*Sigh*
That is how I'm starting my blog.
Here I am, a mother, an artist, a woman in her mid-thirties trying to start over. I left behind a life in the corporate world nine years ago to raise our children, and am not sure how I feel about trying to jump back into that life. That life of getting up early, spending an hour commuting to and from work, sitting at a dest feeling under appreciated and stressed as all hell. Every hour spent in some fluorescently lit office or in traffic barely moving will be one less hour spent with my kids, my husband, my dog, and my art. Not to mention my friends, who I barely see now as it is but for quick chats, coffee dates, and maybe a walk now and then.
The thing is, who I was nine years ago is so vastly different than who I am now. Back then all disposable income was spent on us. Our date nights almost always ended at Barnes $ Noble and we could buy things for the house or new clothes for ourselves anytime we wanted to.
That said, I didn't understand the desire and need to put these little creatures we're raising ahead of ourselves. We had so much, but so little at the same time. The house must have been so quiet - and boring. I've seen so many things anew through the eyes of my kids that I had taken advantage of for most of my life. My nearly nine-year-old son asks questions deeper than most college students. He's a thinker, a philosopher even, at this young age. It's absolutely amazing.
I don't know that I ever appreciated my own artistic tendencies for the gift that they are until I watched my daughter's artistic nature blossom. She could hold a pen and draw at six months better than some kindergarteners. I'm not trying to brag - really. I'm simply amazed by her. This little person has a need to make everything beautiful. In first grade we had to get her to understand that she needed to do her work first; embellish her worksheet second.
Where does this come from? It's innate. It somewhat comes from me and my husband, but it's also all their own. And I never knew what I was missing before they were in our lives.
I'll also admit that I'm scared to death that the world has left me behind in the nine years I've been out of the corporate loop. I've worked part time during this time, and have made beautiful art, and beautiful babies, and a beautiful life. I've been, in many ways, living in a beautiful bubble. But I don't think I'm alone.
Is there a scientific term for this condition? There must be droves of other mothers out there who are caught between the worlds of family and other life. I know I've spoken to several other stay-at-home parents who don't really want to go back to where they were before kids, but aren't sure how to move forward. What do I do next? How do I fulfill myself, contribute to our income, and still be there for my family?
I frequently envy those moms who went right back to work after having their babies. They can juggle like crazy, but they can also leave home life at home and work life at work. I'm sure the two worlds blend at the edges, but I have to imagine the division of labor is more equal among working spouses as well. I've also had mom friends who work and truly don't understand that being a stay-at-home mom means you don't get PTO or hooky days. You don't get sick days, or bonuses at the end of the fiscal year. You are paid in hugs and funny memories. I don't think there is one right way to be a mom - working or not - it's all hard.
So where does that leave me? I'm not really sure. Now that both of my kids are in school, I'm looking for that 'perfect' job that will be a mixture of fun, challenging, flexible, and artistic. Does it exist? I don't know, but in the meantime, I have found myself giving my kids extra hugs. Looking at them longer. Trying the remember every bit of them before I embark on another chapter of my life.
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